Occasio

My Ego is not the Enemy (or, why I haven't blogged in four months)

Sounds and smells. Those are the two senses that scientists say are directly wired to the brain circumventing some of the physiological processes that the other senses go through. That’s why a song or a smell can take us instantly back to a powerful memory. Listen to an oldies station or an album from high school and prepare for a wave of emotion.

The recent release by U2, No Line on the Horizon, (NLOTH) will be locked in for me as one of those powerful catalysts of the memory. There are a number of songs that will always remind me of where I have been over the last year. There is one lyric in particular that could describe and summarize my entire summer:

I gotta stand up to ego but my ego's not really the enemy
It's like a small child crossing an eight lane highway, On a voyage of discovery

About eight months ago I began seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. I’d previously gone to a counselor on individual occasions to consult about important decisions, but I have never invested so much time learning to know myself. Why did I decide to do this? Was it due to a mid-life crisis (I’m in my mid-40s), poor health (I contracted hepatitis last year), work environment, family history, insomnia, other? I’m sure it was a combination of these – a perfect storm.

Therapy is hard work. It’s hard to stand up when the soul is tired. It’s hard to listen when the spirit has been ignored. But the work was worthwhile, like a good run on the treadmill. What was once head-knowledge has now been lived out, experienced.

During my journey I journaled. I talked to my soul and then listened for responses. And then I listened some more. What I heard was meant for me, not for others, so that will remain private. But I experienced what I’ve always “known” – journaling is a powerful conduit for soul and spirit.

I also read a lot from an unlikely trio of sources: Epictetus, Jung and Jesus. Epictetus taught me about Stoicism, about disconnecting from the materialism of this world and about influencing that which is within my control (and forgetting about the rest). Jung reintroduced me to concepts like ego, shadow, archetype, and symbolism. I learned about the conflict that emerges when the inner and the outer worlds are not congruent, and how dreams (for me) become special channels for the spirit. The title of one of Jung’s seminal works says it all: Modern Man in Search of a Soul. That’s what I am. And then there’s Jesus. What a friend, teacher, mentor, savior (in ways I never anticipated). I hope you know him.

Back to NLOTH. For the first months after its release I was completely stuck on "Moment of Surrender." That was what I needed. And I learned to find it in the most ordinary of places.

I was punching in the numbers at the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by And they did not notice me

I was speeding on the subway Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way Counting down 'til the pentecost

At the moment of surrender Of vision of over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by And they did not notice me

I played with the fire, and it played with me. I was listening and hearing that my body was begging to get back "To the rhythm of my soul / To the rhythm of my unconsciousness / To the rhythm that yearns / To be released from control." I was on a journey to relinquish control, listen to heart and soul, bring unconsciousness and consciousness into sync. Still am.

Then came "Unkown Caller." On my journey I have learned to be silent and still before God, before soul. The Spirit was saying “Escape yourself and gravity.” The soul was begging, “Hear me, cease to speak.” I learned of the peace that passes all understanding when I “don’t move or say a thing.” Surrendering leads to stillness.

The third song from NLOTH in my therapeutic trilogy is “I’ll Go Crazy if I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight.” I could not sing this song at the start of my journey. I knew “the sweetest melody is the one we haven’t heard,” but I couldn’t imagine it. Bono cries, “It's not a hill, it's a mountain / As you start out the climb / Do you believe me, or are you doubting.” Doubt abounded, and all I saw was the mountain and the hard climb ahead. There was a point when I simply couldn’t listen to the last chorus of “Crazy.” There is a darkness so strong that light can’t escape, not even a glimmer, not even a spark.

Now I stand having experienced this truth: “A change of heart comes slow.” It comes through stillness and surrender. Maybe that’s why I’m looking forward to a couple of U2 concerts on my horizon. Many of my friends can't understand the experience some of us have had with this band, and I don't expect them to until they've had similar experiences. But there will be a very special moment on the NLOTH tour, probably an emotional one, and one very important lyric,

It's not a hill, it's a mountain
As we start out the climb
Listen for me, I'll be shouting
Shouting to the darkness, squeeze out sparks of light

You know we'll go crazy
You know we'll go crazy
You know we'll go crazy if we don't go crazy tonight

Looking forward to the craziness.... And ego.... And journey.... And discovery....

My favorite Super Bowl commercial

Somedays....

We're not electing Jesus!

I’m stunned at how many Christians think they’re electing Jesus on November 4. I’m getting pretty tired of being phoned, emailed, spammed, FaceBooked and in other ways accosted by well-meaning believers who have completely come to find their identity in a political candidate or proposition.

There are at least two major issues that Christians are divided on this time around: the presidential election and, in California, Proposition 8. It’s times like these that bring out the most irrational thinking and the sloppiest hermeneutics. It’s time for a reality check: all campaigns lie, make unfounded accusations and spread disinformation. Depending on who you talk to, McCain and Obama can each be viewed as the Antichrist (no such character found in scripture by the way) or the Savior. And I love the way each side paints their candidate as “the” Christian in the race. In addition, one candidate is “guilty by association,” another for having too many addresses and another for dressing sharp.

Prop 8 raises a whole other set of issues. This is the attempt to modify the California constitution to define marriage as limited to one man and one woman. The “yes” folks warn we will get “gay education” if it’s not passed, and the “no” population learns to hate the church with a new vigor. “This” church invokes biblical authority, "that" church opens their arms with Christ’s love.

As I said above, I see two primary flaws in the way many Christians approach elections. First, there’s a sense of irrationality. Say goodbye to any kind of an intelligent conversation; pick a side and call the other whackos and lunatics. “Oh, they’re well-meaning,” we say, “they just don’t have any brains (AND they’re ruining the country!). A recent psych study at Cornell University verifies the human propensity toward an “unshakeable self-confidence in one’s decisions” and the myth of “the feeling of being right.” The problem with convictions, gut feelings, and hunches is that we rely exclusively on these intuitions at the expense of logical conversation. Hence, a debate is an opportunity to bolster what one already believes (cyclical reasoning) rather than a chance to expand ones understanding and knowledge.

"Feelings of absolute certainty and utter conviction are not rational deliberate conclusions; they are involuntary mental sensations generated by the brain. Like other powerful mental states such as love, anger and fear, they are extraordinarily difficult to dislodge through rational arguments. Just as it's nearly impossible to reason with someone who's enraged and combative, refuting or diminishing one's sense of certainty is extraordinarily difficult. Certainty is neither created by nor dispelled by reason.”

A second flaw in our approach to elections is that of prooftexting. Christians taking ANY position, be it on a presidential candidate or a proposition, can find support for their position in scripture. James Dobson does this. The Reverend Jeremiah Wright does as well. Cult leaders do it best.

Prooftexting is the practice of selecting verses out of scripture that support what one already believes, regardless of the context they were originally written for. A classic example: we often hear the verse, “where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in their midst” and apply it to the topic of prayer.  If we read the whole chapter of Matthew 18 however, we don’t hear a word about prayer. The chapter is entirely about conflict and forgiveness. The implication: When two or three come together to reconcile and forgive, there am I in their midst. Go ahead, read it.

Because so many Christians are prone to irrationality and prooftexting, they vilify one candidate and praise another. Obama is a kills babies. McCain kills Iraqis. And there is very little ground in between for conversation. Families are divided, friendships are strained and congregations stand against one another, always in the “name of Jesus.”

Maybe that’s the gist of the problem – we keep claiming the name of Jesus in ways that are inappropriate. I’m lucky, my wife and I cancel two or three of each other’s votes on candidates and ballot propositions every election. We see issues differently; sometimes we agree, sometimes we don’t. That doesn’t make either one of us less Christian. Just because she voted different than me doesn’t mean she’s dumb or unholy. (Although I often remind her that I am smarter than her – after all, when we got married look what she got and look what I got!)

So let’s find our identity in Christ, not in politicians or political causes. If the Jews and Gentiles could do it, Dems and Reps might just have a chance.

In the end, we’re not electing Jesus. If we did, I’m sure he’d just get crucified.

   

The NFC pastoral staff at our Halloween carnival:

Loren "Biden" Dubberke, Terron "Obama" Nolan, James "McCain" Bergen, Krystal "Palin" Klaassen

Sunset

I was compelled to ride my motorcycle up to Millerton Lake for sunset tonight. It's only about a 15 minute drive up into the foothills. So good for the soul....

Busy, busy, busy...

To quote one of my favorite rock-n-rollers, Tom Scholz, "It's been such a long time...." I can't believe it's been over two months since my last post. The hiatus has been good for me. I finished a very busy end-of-the-semester only to head into a very busy summer (one that's almost over and I still have many projects to complete). So here are a few of the things I've been doing. Watch for follow-up posts for more details.

• I've been spending a lot of time with my family. Michael (9) and Daniel (5) are getting especially fun. Tracy and I are really experiencing a new stage of family life. We just did our first family 8-mile day hike up to Weaver Lake. Woo-hoo! 

• I bought a motorcycle. I've always owned dirt bikes but I finally sold my Honda XL250 and bought a Honda Shadow Spirit 750. I've already put over a thousand miles on the steal horse. Tracy said I only get one midlife crisis....

• Saw a terrible movie: Prince Caspian. I was pleasantly surprised with The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, but I was equally dissatisfied with Caspian. Michael and I had just read the book and were looking forward to the film. Aaagh, $50 taking my family to nothing more than a summer/action/blockbuster (and a poor one at that). Caspian and Susan kissing? Storming Miraz's castle? Keanu Reeves as Caspian? Where was Aslan in all of this? What about redemption and rebirth in the final chapters of the book? What about following the King? I'm so disappointed in Douglas Gresham and Walden Media.

• Saw a fun movie: Get Smart. I didn't go with high expectations. Maybe that's why I was surprised and delighted. I love the original series and watched it as a boy. Don Adams was a riot and Steve Carell (AKA Evan) is equally funny.

• Saw a couple of very good movies. The End of Suburbia is a documentary chronicling the dwindling supplies of crude oil and the mad scramble to increase production. Though three years old this film accurately predicts the peak of oil production, $4-5 per gallon gasoline, and the crash of the suburban dream. Here's an abridged version of the film on YouTube. Another well known film, Who Killed the Electric Car, delineates the auto industry's triumph in effectively squashing research and development relating to the electric automobile, thereby minimizing the potential market for these cars. I'm not much of a conspiracy theorist, but this one really makes sense.

• Rock Band for Wii. My boys and I call ourselves U3 and we play it almost everyday! Both boys are really developing a sense of rhythm. You should see Daniel bang on those skins. And of course I love playing lead guitar with Boston. "It's been such a long time...."

A Day for Kites

I took the off from work early on Wednesday. It was 70 degrees with a slight breeze in the air. All I needed was a couple of little boys, a trip to Longs for some kites and the neighborhood park. Mission accomplished.

 

Back to Bloggin'

I've taken quite a hiatus from blogging in the past few months. What have I been up to?

• I had foot surgery
• I completed my second year of doctoral studies
• I spent a lot of time with my two boys and my wife
• I learned a few U2 songs ("Bad" on acoustic with a delay - very fun)
• I remembered I like sailing and looking at the stars

I'm back, energized, refreshed.

One year on solar power

The Neufeld home has been solar powered for one year! The year has gone by quick and we're so glad we made the investment. Our electric bill for the last twelve months - $145! Of course we're still making payments to our bank for the system for a number of years (approximately the same amount we would have been paying the electric company per month), but, depending on how fast PG&E raises its rates, we'll probably start benefiting from free electricity in about eight years.

As equally impressive, we have reduced our energy consumption by a third. In the previous year we used about 15,000 kilowatt hours; this last year we only used 10,000 (as a point of reference, consider that environmental guru Al Gore used 221,000 kwhs in 2006 at just one of his four mansions; but he's one of the new ecological hipsters who prefer to buy their environmental conscious through carbon offsets rather than practice conservation). It really wasn't hard to find ways to reduce our consumption:

• I bought a Kill-a-Watt meter and began plugging in everything to see how much power each item in the house uses.
• I determined that the ancient freezer in our garage was using something like 2000 kwhs per year costing us $400-$500 annually. The new freezer I replaced it with should cost us about $50 and use around 400 kwhs!
• We've gradually replaced our incandescents with fluorescent bulbs.
• We make good use of our whole-house fan in the evening and morning.
• We use the dryer less by drying on a rack when the weather is nice.
• We only turn the spa on when we know we're going to use it.

By far the three most important changes we made were getting rid of the archaic garage freezer, managing the use of our spa better, and reducing the use of our electric dryer. We haven't done anything all that dramatic and still live very comfortably.

If you want to see an original post with pictures of our system you can read this post.

Nickel Creek in Hanford

 

Tracy and I went to Hanford (40 miles south of Fresno) on Friday night for one of the best concerts we've ever seen. Nickel Creek played for over two hours: Chris Thile on mandolin (gotta be one of the world's best), Sean Watkins on guitar (kinda looks like Frodo, but with killer chops), Sara Watkins on violin. Everyone sang and extra Mark (last name?) played string bass and even danced a jig. We're hooked for life (unfortunately this was their "Farewell (for now) Tour" - but Sara guaranteed they'd see us "down the road.")

The lighting was very low most of the concert but I grabbed a few video clips.

The Fox (12mb), The Fox - low res (3 mb)

Very quick clip of Anthony (3 mb), Anthony - low res (1 mb)

Can't remember the name of this song (12 mb), this song - low res (2 mb)

A few more photos (it was dark and I only had my small digital camera)

Amen!

Daniel is my four-year old. Last night we were trying to get him to leave the outgoing message on our new phone answering machine. We gave him a little bit of coaching but this is all him. We were on the floor laughing....